What Do You Really Want? Finding Your Relational Match
We have all heard the phrase, “opposites attract.” I am here to tell you that might be wonderful and exciting in the beginning of your relationship, it may promote personal growth and development, hell, it might even get you out of your comfort zone. I would be very curious to see what happens to that relationship even a couple of months later. I am not one for doom and gloom, but I am one for realistic expectations of how people operate. By the end of this article, I am going to try and sell you on “birds of a feather flock together” instead.
Why Do Opposites Attract?
Opposites attract in a myriad of ways. For the sake of the example, let’s break down the classic introvert vs. the extrovert. When the relationship is forming, and dating is underway, the introverted person is experiencing new things left right and center. Their exposure rate is going through the roof, which, to them feels initially exciting, growth inspiring, and new. On the other hand, for the extrovert, the introvert pulls them more towards center. The extroverted person begins to slow down, encounter the smaller things in life, the quieter things. To their systems, it can feel like a refreshing chance to slow down and smell the roses.
Fast forward even a few months — the extrovert feels tied down, in quicksand, always begging their partner to do something. By contrast, the introvert is asking to stay in, relax, settle into their quiet, tucked away activities for the evening. Uh oh, we have a problem. We have a ticking time bomb of drastically different people trying to force their natural comforts upon one another; trying to shove the square peg into the round hole. Over time, this can continue to degrade the initial spark the attraction had, the excitement turns into resentment, the growth turns into stagnation, and the feelings go out to wither. Was that a tad dramatic and do all relationships that initially begin with opposites attracting go the way of old yeller, no, of course not. I just want the optimal result for you.
How to Know What to Look For?
Core value congruency, plain and simple. What the hell do I mean? You need to take time, hunker down, lock yourself in your room (maybe not literally), and find your core values. Once you have discovered those values, it is time to look for others that share them with you. Over the course of this journey, there will be plenty of individuals who just don’t fit what you are looking for, that is completely fine. That lack of fit does not make either of you the problem, nor should you feel any sort of negative emotion for keeping to the standard you set for yourself. Find someone who feels easy to be around, someone who can give you back that sense of equity you have been so eagerly seeking.
When we are casually dating and not looking for the congruencies, we can fall victim to settling. We end up missing the red flags because we get caught up in the excitement and stimulation of someone new. I can tell you right now, as you are reading this, that person just got a little less new to you. This is all fine and dandy if they fit well with you, but the moment they don’t it is going to be hard to ignore. I want the best possible relationship for you, and I believe that starts with an extremely strong foundation, one you and your partner can continue to grow within towards your shared goals.
Now let me be perfectly realistic with you for a moment - this magical unicorn of a person is not going to be a 100 percent match to your values. I do not want to paint a picture that everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows when you eventually find that person, people are people after all, and we all learned how to survive our environments a little differently than each other. These differences should be celebrated, explored and used to grow together. These small incongruencies will be the challenges in the relationship, but they will force the relationship to grow. Without them, things would end up getting stale, or worse, one of you is not communicating your needs to the other.
Death, Taxes, Change
When speaking to the things we can all expect in life, we are all too familiar with the phrase death and taxes. However, change is always going to be there, it is one of the most consistent things we have in life. With that in mind, we have to keep in mind that we will all change as people in as little as under a year, hell… some people change overnight. If we allow ourselves that mindset going into a relationship, we can have the ability to be adaptable to your partner’s needs, as well as your own. If these begin to shift and change as the relationship progresses, don’t fear them, invite them in.
When we are allowed to welcome change, we don’t see it as this force from the universe that is here to take our relationship away. Far from it, it is here to bond the two of you further together if the relationship was meant to last. Every single day there will be several choices you are faced with that will challenge your attachment to not only yourself, but to your partner. If we remain rigid and willful to the attachments of the past, your relationship is going to stagnate. No one is meant to stay in place, even if that current place feels wonderful. Life moves on regardless of if you choose to or not; I want you to make the active choice to move right along with it.
If your partner begins to change themselves for their perceived better, you have two options, buy in or leave. If this is a relationship you want to continue, learning how to emotionally buy into their journey is going to be one of the most important emotionally skillful things you could ever learn. Be there for them when they’re struggling, support their work, challenge them if you feel like some things feel inauthentic, but cheerlead the parts you know are.
You should also make very clear that this is what you need as well. Healthy relationships thrive of equitable treatment. I know there are some of you reading who may think to yourself something like, “needs? I get to even have those?” Yes, you do. You’ve needed them for quite some time, now is the perfect time to start. Without a firm need fulfillment from both parties, relationship satisfaction can take a nosedive quickly. This is not a rare conversation between you and your partner, this should be an every day, commonplace conversation. Assess your needs daily, communicate them often and loudly - and no, just because you have needs, it does not mean you are needy.
Conclusion
Relationships are always viewed as hard. They don’t have to be. Will they come with hard moments? Absolutely, that I will say. To say the relationship as a whole is going to be hard, no, I do not think the right one should be. The hardest part of the relational journey is finding the best fit for you, not settling, not giving in to the pressures around you, and not giving into your beliefs of self-doubt. There is that person out there for you, just like there was for me, promise. Look for your value match, let that match mature with time, and enjoy all of the wonderful benefits that will come your way due to this very smart emotional investment.
