Per Merriam-Webster, "Help: to give assistance or support to (someone): to provide (someone) with something that is useful or necessary in achieving an end." How many of you out there love to help people? Maybe you are in a helping profession like I am, or perhaps you know deep down that you are ready to help when individuals need it. With that definition in mind, how many of you do that in contrast to your needs, desires, or health? That is what I want to speak about today.

The Challenges of Being a Helper

You have taken on a challenging job. If you define yourself as a helper, I commend you. This particular job has many positive outcomes; you can help someone feel joy, assist someone in achieving a dream, and even help some regulate their pain. On the flip side, however, you can burn yourself out. You can give your all to someone and not receive that effort in return. You can unexpectedly wake up one morning and realize that your partner laying beside you is a taker and has been taking from you since the beginning of the relationship. How can a helper help themselves? How can a helper get their needs met appropriately? These are questions I tackle week in and week out in my private practice, and I have come to a few general concepts that may be useful to all of my helpers.

Understanding Your Needs: The First Step to Self-Care

Firstly, You need to understand that it is ok to get your needs met. It sounds obvious, but I wanted to ensure you heard it. Helpers, on average, can fall into the trap of being "needy" by having needs. Do not even get me started on advocating for those needs. Having needs makes you a human. Every single person on this earth has needs. We've had them since we were born. Helpers are very attuned to the needs of others. Let's look at the counseling philosophy of the NeuroAffective Relational Model. We see that they postulate that there is an entire survival style we can use to navigate our upbringing. Shame plays a prominent role in that survival. It can tell you things such as, "you're needy" or, "you don't deserve that." Shame is attempting to develop your helping skill further; that shame lies to you. Your needs are just as valid and vital as everyone else's needs.

Embracing Discomfort: The Journey to Fulfilling Your Needs

You must become comfortable with the notion that you will be uncomfortable at the beginning of this need fulfillment journey. To push past the shame-based language, we spoke about earlier in this article, you must be solid and intentional. I would invite you to actively search out what your needs are on a daily basis. Ask yourself, "what do I need right now?" at least three times per day in the beginning. When you ask yourself that question, pay attention to your internal dialogue. If there is any shame-based language lurking, confront that narrative. Your needs, in the beginning, can be as simple as, "I need to eat." Perfect, what an easy way to practice. If you are an individual who enjoys writing, keep a need log nearby. Write down your three needs throughout the day and look for common themes. Over time, asking for the daily needs will become second nature.

Navigating Responses: Dealing with Validation & Invalidation

You must also master the art of dealing with others' responses. Not everyone will respect your needs. Some don't know how, and some don't want to. Some people will validate you and make you feel seen and heard, which will be one of the most rewarding experiences you could experience as a helper. However, some will only invalidate you. If you are unprepared for an invalidating individual, all of your progress can feel lost.

Let me give you an example. Let us say that you needed some alone time to recharge after a stressful workday, and your partner wanted to go out and grab some dinner with you instead. Here's where our practice comes into play; you identified your need; it was to stay home and achieve some alone time to recharge. Let us say you asked for that need. Once you ask, your partner makes a face and says something such as, "come on, we never go anywhere anymore; you always want to stay home." That person just invalidated your need, and they pushed aside your ask. How uncomfortable would that make you at that moment? How quickly in the past would you sacrifice yourself and go out instead to appease their needs? I hope we can start to change that pattern for you.

A Practical Approach: The Revolving Door (Validate and Also)

Here's a trick from me to you, validate what they say (show them the behavior you were looking for), then add the little phrase, "and also." Let us go back to our earlier example above. Your partner says the line, "come on; we never go anywhere anymore; you always want to stay home." Now, let us apply our trick. Validate what they said; here's an example, "I can see how you might think that; that makes a lot of sense to me." Secondly, insert the phrase "and also." Here's the entire sentence: "I can see how you might think that; that makes a lot of sense to me, and also, I need this time to recharge from my extremely stressful day." You can use that phrase a hundred times in a row until you get the validation you deserve. If the individual you are using this trick with is not budging, you might need to reevaluate that relationship and how healthy it truly is for you.

The Importance of Self-Care for Helpers

I want to take the time to thank you for the selfless job you have. I want that skill to be turned inward towards yourself. It is time to take care of yourself first. If you can do that, you can start having more balanced, healthy relationships in your life. You deserve to have healthy relationships. You deserve to have your needs met. The time is now to permit yourself to start.