Understanding Your Needs

If I were to ask you right now what you needed, how would you answer? Would you brush it aside and say something like, "I don't know." Maybe you would say you need some rest or a vacation. I wonder how long it would take you to answer that question. I am also interested if you were able to answer it internally but feel unable to speak it to the world around you. How did you come to know what your needs even are? Were they given to you by your parents, or maybe they were learned when trying to find close friends? In your life right now, whose needs get met first? We need to have a conversation if your answer is anyone other than yourself.

The Origin of Needs: From Infancy to Adulthood

You have had needs from the time you were born into this world. Every single one of us shares that reality. However, not all of us get those needs met by our environment. As babies, we are excellent communicators; we cry, coo, yell, and throw fits. Those communication strategies make perfect sense to us, as that is all our capacity for communication when we are small. It is now up to our caregivers to try and communicate back with us. In healthy families, babies' needs get validated, and their tears and noises are met with care and love; therefore, the baby learns that their needs are ok to have and that they will be taken care of in a safe environment.

The Impact of Unmet Needs: Disconnection and Survival

What can happen to the babies that do not get validated? What if you were one of the babies that cried for your caregiver, but they never came or were chronically late? What could happen if your caregiver that was supposed to take care of your needs safely was wrapped up within their trauma and had a challenging time attuning to you? From this experience, some of us learn to shut our needs down and disconnect from them entirely. I want to speak with you for a moment if that sounds like you. What did you learn how to do to survive that environment? Did you learn to take care of others' needs first? That way, everything around you would be ok, making you ok? Were you always told you were such an easy baby? Were you told that you never cried or threw fits? I am here to question all that and ask if that is what you learned to do to get where you are today.

Reconnecting with Your Needs: Challenging the Narrative

When we disconnect from our own needs like we had to when we were children, we find it very difficult to take care of ourselves authentically or even understand what that means for ourselves. Connecting to genuine emotions can be challenging because you are so used to connecting to everyone else’s emotions. There can even be a part of you deep down that does not believe you have needs, or if you have them, that you are needy and are looking for too much attention. I want to challenge that narrative for you. Just because you have a need does not make you needy. Having needs is human, and learning to suppress them is how you might have survived.

The Misconception of Selfishness: Addressing the Stigma

Has the word "selfish" shown up for you in this article yet? If it has, I am glad it did. We now have a chance to address that word head-on. Per Merriam-Webster: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. How often do you make decisions without at least thinking of how they might impact one other person? If so, you could never be selfish. How many times do you choose yourself first? If it is less than fifty percent, how could that be excessive, and how could you be selfish? Selfish is a word that can become a vessel for shame. I am sure you have been called that word by those who wanted things from you that you did not want to give at the time. I am guessing that word is something you never want to be. I am also willing to guess that you would do a great deal never to feel like you were perceived as selfish. Getting your needs met is not selfish; getting your needs met is part of being a healthy, happy human.

Practical Steps: Intentionally Identifying Your Needs

I would encourage all of you to start thinking about your own needs. Think about them with intention, at least daily. What I instruct clients to do in a session is to ask themselves, "what do I need right now?" You would be shocked at how many of those clients never ask themselves that question. Once you ask that question, give it time to formulate an answer. It does not have to be an existential breakthrough right away; it can be something as simple as, "I would like to get up and walk around." I would also encourage you to be highly mindful of shame. If getting your needs met is foreign to you, shame is exceptionally skilled at shutting your needs down. I would invite you to be mindful of that shame by asking a follow-up question to the one you asked earlier. That question is, "is there a lie present right now that is trying to manipulate me?" Shame will tell you lies about yourself. It will tell you that you are needy. It will tell you that you do not deserve to meet those needs. None of that is true. You deserve to meet your needs, and I hope you start meeting them soon.

Prioritizing Self-Care and Seeking Help

To all my caregivers, caretakers, parents of the group, lovers, empaths, givers, and helpers, I am asking you to please begin meeting your needs first. If you don't, burnout will follow, and a shame-based narrative could grow stronger. If you have any additional questions that your local Iowa City Therapist could answer, please let me know, and I will dedicate a crafted post to the said question. I appreciate your curiosity, your work, and your time. Until next time, thank you for stopping by, and I hope you find the therapy that best fits you and your needs. Don't hesitate to contact me if you are looking for a therapist in Iowa City! Take care and be well.